Bad days

15th August
For the last 24 hours, my pleasant life in Niamey has been teetering on the brink of oblivion in a variety of ways, only one literal. First, I woke up with a cold on monday, probably caught from one of the bronchiolitic kids. This is not fun in any situation, and especially not so when there are very few toilets and certainly no toilet paper in the hospital. In a climate where the average temperature this week has been 23-26 degrees at night and 32-35 during the day, with humidity anywhere from 60-90%, it's absolutely absurd to be sneezing and sniffling.

In additiion, on sunday night my gas cylinder ran out as I was trying to boil a few day's worth of eggs, so on monday evening I lugged it down to the nearest roadside purveyor of rusty metal canisters full of butane - here, those Laurel & Hardy Glasgow terrorists might have been able to blow something up other than themselves - and swapped it for a full one. I then carted the full one (which was heavier) all the way back...and couldn't get the regulator which connects it to the oven to screw onto the cylinder. So monday's dinner was cold potatoes from the previous night and tomatoes.

Even worse, now that I had a cold I couldn't boil water for tea in the morning, so I decided to make up for this by having a mango for breakfast instead. It had black bits in and I had to throw two-thirds of it out. Then on the way to hospital on tuesday morning I got caught in a torrential downpour which laughed at my waterproof as it drenched me and the contents of my bag, including my British National Formulary, my French dictionary, and my Hausa notebook (which is admittedly in its infancy). Only the leather-bound notebook Al Walmsley gave me, which I'm writing in now, survived relatively unscathed.

The rain continued in more or less half-hearted fashion until the afternoon, and meant that there were no new patients on the wards (as most won't walk in if it's raining, and can't get in from the villages if the roads are flooded). I therefore devoted the afternoon to getting the gas working - so I carried the new cylinder back to the stall to swap it...but they'd run out of full cylinders, so instead I forked out for a whole new regulator. Back at the apartment, I enlisted the help of the guard from across the street to install it, and we got it working.

So I decided to celebrate by making tea, and found that I couldn't get the valve on the tank open - he'd closed it too tightly. Swallowing my pride, therefore, I went and found him again and explained that I was too puny to open it. Laughingly, he came to open it again, and gratifyingly completely failed to, even with the teatowel I'd already tried. So he took it off, inflicted untold brutality on it elsewhere, and came back with it openable. Now, however, there was an unsettling hissing noise from around the new regulator - so before I made tea (to celebrate), I did as he'd suggested and held a match near the regulator to check for leaks.

It caught fire.

Happily, after one attempt to blow it out which I can only describe as - well - a bit Laurel & Hardy - I remembered that turning the gas off at the valve would probably be a better idea. The unpleasant realisation that I'd just been in a room with a burning canister of explosive gas was bad enough - and the plastics stuff I saw on burns victims in Addis Ababa, for all that they were mostly due to kerosene stoves, meant I was fully aware of how nasty it could have been. However, the overriding emotion was despondency - I'd thrown basically two whole afternoons and about 10,000CFA at something as simple as being able to boil water, and had got closer to blowing myself up than making a cup of tea. Back home if I can't boil water in an electric kettle, I boil it in a pan on the hob; if I can't boil it there someone needs to pay the gas bill. It's a much simpler, and markedly less explosive, equation.

Anyway, I explained this to the bloke at the gas stall who, having been a bit intolerant of the useless whiteboy previously, softened somewhat, and told me to bring the whole thing back. "I myself have seen two of these new regulators do this - bring the whole thing tomorrow; there is a man here who is very good at setting these up, and we'll sort it out. But you mustn't use it in the meantime!" Encouraged by his newfound graciousness if not by the fact that he was selling the gas canister equivalent of driver's side ejector seats for cars, I came home and have just had part of a baguette with tomato, cucumber, and a meat pâté which smelt slightly like dogfood, and a cold beer, all of which have improved the situation enormously.

But if the fridge packs up, I will officially have Had Enough.